Alone by Choice

The other day I told someone I can be introverted sometimes. Their reaction? They scoffed at me.

Well, for those reading this who know me, you’ll know that I can be a people person. For those that know me even better, you’ll know I can’t handle too many people – I get that from my dad.

This week I moved into my first apartment. It’s a studio apartment about the size of bedroom back home. With no A/C, having met none of my neighbors, miles from the mostly empty university campus I realized today would be my first day living alone. Like really alone (yes I know that is the slang use for like mom – I can feel the side eye up the coast).

I moved to the university dorms a couple of years ago now, but it’s not the same. I’m single, living alone. I’m used to always having to be around people, responsible to someone else. Always having to talk to someone – I’m a communication major what did I expect?

But this morning I woke up wondering what I would do all day. I was afraid I would get bored or feel lonely being alone for the first time. Yet anytime the opportunity to do something cropped up I dismissed it.

Today was (almost) perfect. Today I was alone and it was the best thing in the world. I made shitty limeade, ate chia seed pudding, avoided real food and opted for Tostitos lime chips. I painted my nails and used my homemade leave-in conditioner. I drew for the first time in ages because I had the time and the space.

The space was amazing. I got a chance to reflect on quite a few things. Such as: do I really want another tattoo? Maybe. Do I like my body as it is or do I want to get back into working out? I should work out but not right now. Am I happy with where I am and what I’m doing? Mostly. Am I okay? Almost.

That last one is important. Today wasn’t a great day because I feel great. Today was great because I got to take care of myself. I got to be alone and face the fact that it’s hard for me to be alone if I don’t like myself.

Today was the first time in a while that I’ve enjoyed being alone and that is a victory in so many ways. There were points where I reached out to the world in order to distract myself from me, but that’s okay. I still have books sitting on a shelf that need to be read in order to deal with everything. But that’s not for today. Every day I will get closer to being where I want to be, but today?

Today I am okay. Alone is great again.

PS: I was also an entirely normal millennial for a while and watched Netflix.

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